Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
dude it’s called proctologist
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card