Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Super Hand Dog Face
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”