Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
i think my razor is having a panic attack
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad