Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
This will never not be funny to me.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.