Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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How to draw a duck
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’