H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.