My brain is a bad influence on me
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
mentally somewhere in italy
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Breaking news:
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.