[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
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ME: this is great
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ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
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