Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people