a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911