If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Mornin
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.