Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress