I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
There is wisdom there.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die