I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside