[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.