*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like