To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
peeping toms
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.