I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.