marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
You Might Also Like
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.