“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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lack of sex can read this.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?