One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*exercises sarcastically*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Discuss
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room