The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
much to think about
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag