[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Growing out my freckles.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.