*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The Compass
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.