job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Milk Cube
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I forgot how to panic. Help