News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Hello Twits.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
choose your gary
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.