I feel it
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Wait a second…
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
good for her
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”