I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.