Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I love my in laws but sometimes it鈥檚 hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Just because you鈥檝e never met a time traveler doesn鈥檛 mean there aren鈥檛 any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband鈥檚 dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he鈥檚 beautiful & she鈥檚 going to miss him, but she鈥檒l brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.