Well, my evening plans are ruined
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.