[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Reporter: *ports again*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear