My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?