– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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why am I working on Labor Day
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
ACED my prostate exam!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.