Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You Might Also Like
Iβd be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didnβt go to medical school of any kind.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a Β£7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
As I get older, I donβt refer to myself as βwell seasonedβ.
Iβm more βfermentedβ.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understandingβ(sees it’s almost 3 pm)βbecause magic
lost boys: howβd the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE π
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: youβre a sociopath
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: βOne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! Heβs badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, heβs being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Itβs too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: Itβs so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isnβt stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: βAre you wearing a pillow case?β