My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.