So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You Might Also Like
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
This came to me in a dream.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
adding to the discourse
We need more people like this.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.