All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.