HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew