Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)