just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Cats are still liquid.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest