[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?