Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.