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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“We will wed,” I threatened
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”