I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.