*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.