I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!