*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The best shot in the history of golf
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!