Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.