“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response