My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.